It's not poor, unless you can read the original and feel that the intent was off. In terms of English grammar there's just a touch of polish needed. Any basic person born in an English speaking part of the globe that isn't an asshat can go, "You should put the sentence like this." Basically, just needs a proofer.
Base +17, Howky44 +6, jfragrettel +7, CommieGhosts -6