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HentaiVerse

A bimbo gift

Western
Posted:2016-02-23 04:01
Parent:None
Visible:Yes
Language:English  
File Size:26.59 MiB
Length:8 pages
Favorited:96 times
Rating:
46
Average: 3.79

Showing 1 - 8 of 8 images

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Posted on 23 February 2016, 09:34 by:   Kenyenzie    PM
Score +6
Lil dicey grammar, and censoring at the end?
Posted on 23 February 2016, 10:38 by:   iDontCar3    PM
Score +18
Why do the panels seem out of order?
Posted on 23 February 2016, 14:38 by:   pentrel    PM
Score +32
this artist always get posted out of order...
I really like the art style, but the grammar and even the panel placement at times gave me a migraine.
Posted on 24 February 2016, 18:08 by:   giancarlos55630    PM
Score +8
That's the problem... I really aprecciate that a lot of persons tell me that I have a lot of spelling mistakes.... But they never tell me... WHERE THE MISTAKES ARE.... So. How I'm gonna learn if you don't tell me. Conclusion: Thanks for giving me your opinion, but please help me with that.
Posted on 26 February 2016, 23:58 by:   Swiftleaf    PM
Score +1
It's not our job to teach you the English language. There are many, many mistakes, too many to point out. Pay attention in school, or don't try writing in english.
Posted on 05 March 2016, 04:14 by:   DasPotato    PM
Score +7
You realize the author might be English as a Second Language then, right?
Posted on 10 May 2016, 15:16 by:   SpiraLawliet    PM
Score +6
I'd love to see this finished!
Posted on 08 January 2017, 08:52 by:   Tungsten Seraph    PM
Score +7
Eh, I'll help with the first page or so, because I have some sort of compulsion to elucidate.

First sentence should be, "It's been a long time since my Aunt sent me a present" or "My Aunt's present should be here soon" depending on if she knows about the present in advance.

Mind your capitalization, and be careful about the pointless detail- no mailman is going to say "the package is from X, Y, Z" because it's printed on the box, and they have to deliver hundreds of boxes.

Page 2- English isn't an assumption-friendly language. You need to make it clear that she's reading a letter, "Oh, a card. So... it says this thing will make me feel like a woman, huh?" would work. Again, the idea is to streamline information while also giving out what's needed, all the while making it feel natural.

P3- Mostly good- the 2nd and 3rd panels need some work, though; all light is 3d, so adding a more relevant description would be best. So like, "crazy light show" or something, you have a lot of options.

The 3rd panel cuts a sentence in half with a period; one sentence = one thought. If you need two thoughts in one sentence you can use a semicolon, but that's fairly advanced stuff.

And again, mind your capitalization; capitals go at the start of each new sentence and on the first letter of "proper nouns" (names mostly).

P4- Caps. Also, native English speakers use "can't" instead of "can not" and "isn't" in place of "is not". Those are "contractions" and are shortenings of common word combinations. Native English speakers are lazy, and we use those just about whenever we can.

So that covers most of what was wrong, and hopefully you can work with that to get better than most native speakers; their sheer disdain for the semicolon is just disgusting. :P
Posted on 09 May 2017, 18:14 by:   Devilot109    PM
Score +6
Curious about artist...

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